Mom was concerned I was doing too much. I recited to her the things she had on her plate when she was my age: managing details for her father who was sick and dying of cancer, and then taking care of her mother; managing, along with my father, her own household of three high schoolers to young adults; figuring out how to deal with a precocious early elementary school student; and being involved with several church activities. “Well, that’s different.” She couldn’t tell me how it was different, other than it was her instead of me.
When my grandmother’s dementia was getting to be too much for mom to handle for day-to-day care, her doctor told her that she had to make some decisions or that she’d have to start planning for two funerals. She took the hint.
Are you the person always called on to help? Or maybe you’re the person who does everything, either because it feels like there’s no one else willing to help or because no one else can do it “right”?
While “no” may be one of the hardest words to say, it’s a complete answer to a request. Saying no strengthens your boundaries, allowing you to focus on the tasks that align with your purpose and values.
No to Burnout and Exhaustion
When you say yes to every request, you’re also answering in the affirmative to burnout and exhaustion. That’s not healthy for you and those in your inner circle, whether that’s a spouse, children, or others in your household.
This advice is coming from my experience of learning the hard way and observing someone else who learned the hard way too. When I was in my forties, my husband and I were living with my mother to help her out. At the start, it was mostly for transportation and companionship. She was a sweet lady and easy to take care of. So, I had enough energy to work part time and be involved in other activities.
Just Keep Spinning?
Have you watched a video of a person trying to keep multiple plates spinning on the tops of thin poles? The first two or three are easy, but when the person has six, seven, eight plates spinning at once, it takes a lot of concentration and awareness to keep them going.
Life is like that. You may have laundry under control, but the sink is overflowing with dirty dishes. Or you’ve succeeded in getting a presentation ready for work, but you forgot to track the package including the last-minute supplies for the meeting, and the delivery is delayed. Maybe it’s time to leave some plates in the cupboard.
Options
If you’re the person always called on to help, tell the requestor, “Let me get back to you on that” instead of giving an automatic yes. Don’t just be a people pleaser. Your “no” could be someone else’s opportunity to say “yes,” allowing them to be a blessing or be blessed.
If you’re the person who does everything, either because it feels like there’s no one else willing to help or because no one else can do it “right,” let go of control. Try asking someone for assistance at least once a day to develop a new habit of accepting help. And be willing to offer grace and acceptance when the completed task doesn’t look just like you hoped it would.
For encouragement along your journey, join me for personal life coaching. I’ve learned a lot, and I’d like to be a listening ear for you.